So who is in charge in ‘your’ house?

So who is in charge in ‘your’ house? You or them? See the suggestions below for some tips on making sure that you have them where you want them!

Do they sleep in the same uncomfortable positions all night because it annoys you if they move? Do they have to climb out of bed in strange and peculiar ways in order not to disturb your beauty sleep? Do they put off making the bed until you decide to get up?

Are there always three or more opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator? Always remember – just because you liked it yesterday does not mean to have to like it today!

Does their supermarket shopping list include more stuff for you than them? As a minimum it should be 50/50. Do you sit at the dining table (or ON the table) when you eat? No reason why you should eat at floor level – they don’t! Have you got your own, expensive, dishes with your name on?

When someone new comes to your house, are you introduced, by name, to them? If not, why not? You are the most important person in the house! Have you forced them to select their friends based on how well you like them? Have you remembered the Golden Rule – that you should always work out who is the cat hater in a group of people and give them your own special sort of attention? After all they don’t know what they are missing!

Do they watch repeats of bad soaps on TV (or no TV at all) because you are sleeping on the remote? (Do remember to completely cover it so they cannot get at it). Have they downloaded You Tube videos of fish swimming in an aquarium to amuse you? A tank full of the real thing is an even more impressive achievement!

Are they brainwashed into thinking that swinging from the curtains is a good thing? That scratched furniture is a small price to pay for the pleasure of your company?

When people phone them, do they get you to say a few words down the phone as well? Extra points for getting them to be quite this sad!

Bonus points if they have a photo of you as their mobile phone background!

Do you get presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do they spend more on you than on each other? Do you get your own turkey? Do you sign the Christmas cards? Do they buy new tree decorations each year for you to destroy? If not – they should! Work on them!

Will they stand at the open door, in the freezing rain, while you sniff the door, sniff the air and generally prevaricate before deciding whether to go out or come in? My record is five minutes – see if you can top that!