Posted on

Bank holiday makeover

So the humans have just had something called a Bank Holiday.

Now, as ever, this seems illogical to me because it seems that it is just not banks that have an extra day off but most businesses close down for a day. But not people in shops because it seems that shops always have to be open so that people who are not working have somewhere to go when it is a holiday. Seems a tad unfair to me but the humans are so often not sensible!

Anyway my humans decided to go to the DIY shop to get some paint. Apparently someone, no names mentioned, has left some grubby paw prints on a wall and it needs painting. However they seem to have decided to be somewhat radical and repaint the whole room a new colour. They were watching some pretentious makeover show on TV the other day so I think talk of paw prints is just an excuse to try something new so they can show off in front of their friends.

Humans are strange. Seems that if their friends do something new to their house that this has to trigger everyone else in the circle to do something to keep up. Personally I don’t see the reason for redecoration at all, as long as there are an assortment of places for me to sleep I’m not concerned what the house looks like, what colour the walls are, the amount of scatter cushions, etc. Scatter cushions seem a particularly pointless thing in my opinion, I mean what is the point of them? They have to be constantly ‘replumped’, arranged on the sofa in neat rows and then provoke rows when I’ve covered them with a layer of hair. Much better to get some more cardboard boxes for me to sleep in!

Anyway they headed off to the DIY which is apparently some great barn of a place just up the road where all the humans go when they have a holiday day. Seems an odd concept of a holiday but …

After some while they arrived back. Car doors slamming. Front door slamming. Raised voices. As usual the holiday trip to the DIY seems to have annoyed them!

I was expecting them to come back with a big pot of some garish coloured paint ready for action. But they seem to have four little pots of paint called samplers as they could not agree on a colour and now they have painted little squares of colour all over the lounge walls. Looks kinda neat actually. A bit abstract. If I was them I would just leave it like that and claim that it is ‘original artwork’, perhaps they can add a few dribbles and splatter the paint around a bit and call it modern art. They could just tip the paint onto a board, I’ll trample it a bit with my big paws and they can sell it for a fortune on Ebay. Could not look any worse than some of the stuff that seems to pass for art these days!

They seem to have lost interest in their project now.

I sense the little squares may be there for some while. I believe it may be called Cubism. That Picasso guy …

Posted on

Feng Shui and noodles for me!

What’s this all about then – some sort of Chinese food?
The first time I heard the humans discussing feng shui (apparently pronounced Feng Schway not Feng Shooeey) I assumed that a new Chinese or Thai restaurant had opened up in the area. I was quite chuffed about that as I am partial to Chinese food, well any sort of food actually (particularly prawn crackers).

So I’ve done a sneaky Google search and apparently feng shui (which means wind and water in Chinese), is –

… the ancient system of environmental placement. It has been practised in China for over 5,000 years, because it makes sense to align ourselves in a balanced way with the energies of our environments. The basic philosophy of feng shui is that everything is energetically connected and always changing, and that your consciousness is represented in your environment. Its purpose is to align ourselves in a balanced and harmonious way to the energies of where we live and work. This includes understanding the physical aspects of our environments, as well as the invisible aspects of our environments, as they relate to direction, time and space.

So that is clear then? Good.

According to the humans it basically involves moving all the furniture around. Personally I think it is all a waste of time as in a week’s time they will be excited by some other new fad, they do have very short attention spans. But it has kept them busy – not sure why they needed quite so much red wine for moving furniture around though!

Oscar knows best
I knew this feng shui stuff was a bad idea – as usual I was right (smug contented grin from the uber clever cat). One of the humans has just tripped over the coffee table which has been repositioned in a really weird place because ‘that’s where the book said it should go!’ Oh yeah… the fact that you cannot go into the sitting room without falling over it is obviously something that the book did not mention.

Another reorganisation of the sitting room – the coffee table has been repositioned in another ‘good shui’ position. Now the other human has stubbed a toe on the table after tripping over whilst trying to avoid treading on me. I, of course, am taking no notice of all this stuff and will continue, as usual, to lie around in the most inconvenient spot I can find. That’s what we cats do!

They say ‘bad Oscar’.

I say, Oscar – ‘positive shui’.


Posted on

Poetry stuff

I’ve been reading again!

The humans have decided to ‘broaden their minds’ and have just taken some poetry books out of the library – scary concept really given that they seldom manage more than the local paper and the latest Kim Kardashain nonsense in the Daily Mail but, hey, who am I to have a go at them? As long as it does not result in them spending hours reading poetry to me I’m cool with it.

So I’ve been having a look at one of the books and I kinda like this poem. It’s called the Owl and the Pussy Cat, do you want a bit of it? OK, here we go –

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
“O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!

I’ve been thinking about a life on the ocean waves. I think it would be fun on a posh cruise liner, you know, the sort of thing that is bigger than a football pitch with ten different restaurants and all sorts of stuff going on all day long. I could cause lots of havoc on one of those. This boat sounds a lot smaller. Like a rowing boat or a canoe. Not much scope for exploring on a canoe. I’m not sure about the ‘pea green’ boat colour scheme either. Makes me think I may get sea sick, I might match the boat!

And what is the point of going off to sea with just honey? What about the posh cat food, biscuits, and other important stuff?

And what good is a five pound note when you are floating around lost in the middle of the Atlantic? Much better to take one of the plastic money cards which you can use anywhere and hope some sort of floating shop comes by.

And an owl! I ask you, an owl? What sort of company would that be – especially if the silly bird kept singing and hooting all day long.

So I’ve given this my full consideration and I’ve decided that it has to be the luxury cruise or nothing for me. This Edward Lear guy has some strange ideas in my opinion. I bet he never went to sea with an owl, or some honey or …


Posted on

Brush wars

In some ways I really like this time of year. It’s getting warmer, it’s lighter in the evenings and there are more opportunities to be out and about than in the winter. But what I don’t like is my hair all falling out!

I’m obviously a super good looking smart cat all year round but in the winter I am particularly smart. I develop a really impressive furry ruff around my neck – I look seriously distinguished I can tell you. But come the spring I start moulting and it starts to look a bit … well … scruffy.

Just been prodding at my ruff with a paw and there are definitely a few lumpy bits forming where my hair is falling out. Now it’s bad enough that my hair falls out but even worse is the thought that shortly the humans will decide that I need to be BRUSHED!

Brushing me is a form of urban warfare, let me tell you I don’t give up without a heck of a fight. The humans have this mad theory that if they had spent more time brushing me when I was a kitten I would be more reasonable about it now. Wrong! I don’t like being brushed – not at all, don’t like it, won’t have it. No. End of.

I’ll stop them. I’ve found the cat brush and hidden it. Oscar 1 v 0 Humans

Some weeks later

They’ve let me get away without being brushed for the past few weeks, they’ve been busy ‘doing stuff’ and have just been picking up the lumps of fur that are all over the place and muttering ‘that cat needs a good brush’ without actually doing anything about it. I must say I am leaving lots of hair all over the place – it’s quite impressive in a way. I saw someone on the television the other day who was knitting her cat’s hair into scarves and stuff – perhaps someone could knit a winter blanket for me?

Anyway I digress.

Yesterday in one of my attempts to win over a human to open me a tin of cat food I decided to jump on the female tin-opening operative whilst she was wearing a very smart, glittery evening outfit. Think they call them rhinestone thingies. Oh dear – such a fuss! Apparently I left a layer of ginger and white hair all over the fancy bits and the mad humans had to use half a roll of sticky tape to get the fur off. It was very funny, well I thought so anyway, they seemed to have a sense of humour failure over the whole episode and left for the evening muttering ‘that’s it – he is being brushed if he wants it or not’.

Fighting talk – they don’t fool me. I’ll keep a low profile for a few days and they will forget about it.

Elephants and humans never forget. They got me!

I was minding my own business when there was a rattle of my biscuit box in the kitchen. I raced in from the garden thinking ‘great – they forgot they fed me an hour ago’. As I hurtled up to my food dish they pounced, the dreaded brush appeared and World War III broke out.

Result of the hostilities?

One brushed Oscar.
Two scratched humans.
Three broken saucers – I escaped at one point, bomb dived the table and catapulted a selection of china onto the floor. They were lucky it was only three saucers really.

I still think it was a moral victory for me. I’m telling myself that anyway.

Posted on

Winter blues and dodgy catflaps

I’m fed up with the weather at the moment. It’s supposed to be winter but instead of snow and stuff it keeps raining. ALL THE TIME! I’ve not been out and about for days, I mean who wants to get wet and scruffy by going out in the rain? And if I go out and get wet then there is all the whinging from the humans about me leaving muddy pawprints everywhere. Of course when your paws are muddy they also know exactly where you have been mooching – kitchen worktops, etc!

I’ve, um, got a bit of a story here … as ever not my fault, of course, but I was there at the time. I was just outside the house during a brief dry spell, minding my own business, when a whopping great big dog appeared, some sort of relation to a wolf I think, it was HUGE! I decided I might be safer inside but when entering through the cat flap at about 200 miles an hour I appear to have brought most of the cat flap in with me. I’m currently wearing it like a belt around my tummy and it will not come off!! Where are the humans when I need them?

Harumph! I am really quite offended – when they eventually arrived home after another boozy night down the pub they went into hysterical laughter at my predicament. Took them five minutes to stop laughing before they got the wretched thing off me. So much for caring, thoughtful cat owners … they seem more concerned about the cost of the new cat flap. Let’s hope they get it right this time and buy a bigger one.

We cats have our pride and mine is very injured at the moment.

Off to scratch something in retaliation.

Posted on

I’m a star!

Very strange goings on today. The humans have been following me around with a camera, it’s like being under surveillance. They seem to have got it in their heads that I would like my photograph on the web and are entering me for a ‘funny cat photo’ competition. I ask you, not very dignified is it?

I have been suitably uncooperative, posing in unbecoming positions, launching into frenzied licking sessions and hiding in the garden shed. But they eventually caught me out when I was trying to hide in a box that may perhaps have been ever so slightly too small for me to fit in. I hope I don’t come out blurred in the photo, if I have to suffer the indignity of all this I do want to look my best!

They’ve printed some of their efforts out now, they are not great. Some have the end of my tail missing, one appears to be an empty box! To be fair one of them nearly does justice to my good looks even if I am hanging out of the box. I’ve encouraged them towards selecting that one by trampling around on all the others.

Some days later
WOW. I’m on the web! I’ve won the competition! I never had any doubt really – it was unlikely that anyone could have looked as good as me. I have been put in front of the computer for a look at myself. Of course I played it really cool – after all I’m a star now. No doubt agents will be beating their way to my door any day now – eat your heart out Grumpy Cat!

I’ve had a sneaky look at the comments about me on the web site. I’m described as ‘an adorable rascal with a penchant for cardboard boxes and tuna’. So what’s a penchant, huh? Is this good or bad? Perhaps better not to know, you never know what nonsense people will post on the internet.

The humans have been basking in the reflected glory of my new found stardom. People they have avoided talking to for months have suddenly been telephoned and casually told that Oscar is now ‘on the net’. That’s as maybe but I’m not sure why they seem to be taking the credit for me being such a smart cat.

And being a star has not improved the posh food rations so I’m still not convinced that all this fame is worthwhile.


Posted on

29th February – a free day!

Now as you know I’m quite a bright cat and I understand all the 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 365 days in a year stuff. But where did the 29th of February come from then? Huh?

I had my usual read of the calendar this morning (the humans have one of the quote a day thingies, lots of silly motivational quotes to set you for the day, that sort of nonsense) and I thought I had gone bonkers!

There it was, 29th February 2016. A whole extra day.

Been listening to the humans chatting about ‘leap years’, that’s what they are called apparently, these years with an extra day, something to do with keeping everything running smoothly and in sync with the stars. It all sounds complicated to me and a lot of effort for little gain – I don’t seem to have received any bonus food so what’s the point of it!

Apparently if you are born on 29th February then you really only have a birthday once every four years! How terrific is that? You would take forever to get old. That’s a concept I could get on board with.

Posted on

Rugby, odd shaped balls and more …

So today it is the start of something called The Six Nations, apparently it is an annual rugby competition where people from lots of different countries run around a field chasing an odd shaped ball, have lots of scrums which are some sort of grappling contests and generally trying to knock each other out. The teams seem am odd mixture of players – lots of little guys and some really tall ones with coloured Sellotape and funny little caps on their heads – not sure it’s fair on the little people to have to play with the huge ones!

Today England are playing Scotland. The humans are supporting England because they are English. Seems a bit unimaginative really, they could pretend to be Scottish just for a change but I guess that would mean having to buy kilts and stuff so probably too much effort just for a rugby match.

Anyway it’s not been a great day. Not my fault obviously … it was THEIR FAULT.

There I was, minding my own business, having a little afternoon snooze on the lounge window sill, when in they came, booze in hand, to watch the rugby. Anyway the game started and I nodded off only to be woken by ear piercing screams from the humans … apparently we had scored a try (whatever that is) … I was so shocked by all the noise that I promptly fell of the window ledge straight onto a bottle of red wine. The indignity of it!

You can imagine the rest – shrieks from the humans, J cloths everywhere, big red stain on the carpet, the frantic search for a bottle of white wine to throw on top of the red (apparently that works but the humans were very annoyed to waste a bottle of the stuff on a carpet!).

No one seemed concerned that I gone red as well – it’s taken me ages to lick it all out of my coat … hic!

I am apparently serving a one match ban for next weeks match against Italy. Not sure what that will involve. Pizza hopefully.


Posted on

Daft things humans say

I’ve just been to see the vet. Not fun. 🙁

It was time for my annual flu injection, which is very important for us cats apparently, but just seems to me as an excuse for a rather nasty guy in a white coat to prod and poke me around, make rude comments about my weight, and then stick a needle in me. OUCH!

Even the humans find it painful – I heard comments of ‘ouch, that hurt’ when the receptionist gave them their plastic money card thing back to them. I’m glad they found it painful as well, now they know how I feel! Seems odd to me that you have to pay someone to do nasty things to you – more strange human behaviour.

Anyway the vet person said that I was ‘as fit as a flea’. I was a bit put out by that – a flea? Hmmm – just waiting for them to go off to bed so I can do an online search on what that means.

Sometime later.

Ah, Google comes up with the answer for me. Apparently it just means to be really fit and well. I thought it meant I was like an insect or something. Strange expression!

I just found ‘fit as a fiddle’ as well, now why would anyone be as fit as a violin? How daft is that? And what do you do with the bow? Eeek!

Honestly humans are funny creatures, I’ve been doing some more reading, all these weird sayings about cats …

Someone jumping around and nervous is like ‘a cat on a hot tin roof’. You try standing still on a hot tin roof!

Then there is ‘the cat that got the cream’, not very often in this household let me tell you. They seem to think it’s too good for me.

And what about ‘curiosity killed the cat’, I don’t like the sound of that one. Nothing wrong with a bit of curiosity, cardboard boxes NEED investigating and the fact that my inquisitive nature has sometimes led to me getting trapped somewhere is no reason no to go where I shouldn’t.

I’m a cat – that’s what cats do!

Posted on

New Year economy measures

So it’s been a quiet week, the humans are back at work after their long, boozy break. Not sure it is going well though. All I get every evening is lots of moaning about ‘the state of the trains’. Seem to me they would be better off staying here and looking after me properly rather than gadding around all day enjoying themselves. If the trains are in a state why keep going off and playing around on them?

Anyway – they tried to palm me off with some cheap cat food tonight. What’s the world coming to? I’m determined not to touch the stuff however hungry I get…

… had a quick nibble when they were not looking. Seriously horrible stuff – I don’t know what came over them, they should know better. There have been mutterings about the size of Christmas VISA bill but why should that should have an effect on my supply of Whiskers and Felix? Did I use their plastic card? No I did not. They should control their spending and focus on the essentials. LIKE CAT FOOD.

This is turning into a serious battle of wills. They have, by all accounts, bought four tins of this horrible cat food as some misguided economy measure. As I have no intention of eating it they have made a very serious mistake because I am standing firm. This is the thin end of the wedge! I am not going to eat it because it will set a very bad precedent. I’m getting hungry though – I’ve taken to flopping around under their feet looking pathetic. Guilt trips often work well in my experience but it’s not working so far. The evil VISA bill must be really terrifying.

Later in the week
Oh dear … can a cat be in the doghouse? If so, I am! Desperate times need desperate measures. However being discovered sat on the worktop helping yourself to a nice meal of roast chicken does not seem to have gone down very well with the humans. Their visitors looked a bit stunned too … no-one fancied the chicken after my attack (I only had a go at one side of it!) so they ended up having stuffing and bread sauce for Sunday lunch. They should be grateful it was’nt the Cheapocat chunks they are trying to palm off on me!

The next day
More chicken for lunch today – well, they have to use it up somehow. Should be enough to last me for the next few days.

And the day after
I’m beginning to get a bit fed up with the chicken now. Perhaps you can have too much of a good thing. Still not eating that cheap stuff though!